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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Facing A Question, Why Are There No Easy Answers

I was awake this morning for not even 10 min. When I received a call from my Sister, it wasn't even 6:30 am yet, they suspected originally that she might possibly have flesh eating disease on her leg earlier, but when she was rushed to emerge they were now expecting her to have a blood clot from the results of the lab tests & she would need my mom to take her back to the hospital for 8:30 am for another test, they had pumped her full of blood thinners last night. She was balling and telling me she can't take anymore pain, she wished it was over already.

I had received less than 4hrs of sleep the night before & my head was still pounding and my cup was all dried up, I couldn't muster even an ounce of feelings of empathy for what my sister was saying, I was just numb, all I could feel was guilt for not having anymore to give The Physical signs of burn out were starting to consume me.

I went to work and my boss asked me how I was doing and my response was it really was an irrelevant term, she knew where I was coming from and asked whats up. I explained to her the calamity of yesterday & this morning. I was unable to keep from crying. She asked me if I needed to take a leave of absence as she needed all of me focusing on my job( I have paraphrased what she said). I understand that there is no point in them paying me to do my job when I couldn't keep my focus for two seconds. I ended up going to start my work when my brain drew an absolute blank. I had no more to give, my timing couldn't have been any worse as we prepare for the big RV show.

I am now faced with being off for the next three days to get everything that needs to be done, done. I have to find the answer to the question do you need to take a leave of absence. My mind is all over the map on this one. I love my job & I love the people I work with & we have so much work that needs to be done for the show. I need to be home to get everything organized with my daughter & my dad. I need to be able to pay our bills as I am the only income. Half of me needs to be at work the other half needs to be at home. What roll am I playing Mom the comforter or Dad the provider. I stay at work I risk losing my Job because I am not being productive. I go on a leave of absence I risk loosing my Job because I have already been off so much over the last couple of years as we went through so much already.

God speaks to this in Mathew 6: 24-34. He also promises to take care of the fatherless. I want to believe this & I know I do but I keep putting others wants in front of my trust for my heavenly father. I know I am serving two masters in my life & the resentment of which he is speaking of is growing like a bad weed in my life, it is like a dandelion I keep getting rid of the plant but the root keeps growing back. I can't point fingers at those around me because whether it is a conscious or unconscious choice it is still a choice I am making.

I fear making conscious decisions for the fear of hurting someone & by doing that I end up hurting myself .

I know these are lessons I still need to learn & I pray by God's grace he will cont. to teach me to walk in his steps & help me to serve only one master him.

Oh and on top of all this already stressful week we have a film crew coming from HGTV to film a pilot to show called Consumed to show there producers. I have been told by many I should cancel this but I hesitate to do this because all the stuff in our house from my mom & me moving in together & now my Grandmothers stuff from her house when she passed away all in our one not large house is to me a removable stress & right now I need to get rid of stress that can be removed.

Please cont. to pray for God's will to be done in all of this & if you could join me in the prayer to the left of the screen lifting up the people of this world I would greatly appreciate it.

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