Last night I was faced with a dilemma, Where do you go to help your child when the very people you go to caused the problem?
I had mentioned before that every time I think the trauma of 2009 is behind us, it comes back to say "Hi, I'm still here!", this is what I meant.
I am finding my daughter is facing the same questions I have faced. "What if?" What if I spoke louder? What if I said no? What if I didn't take the medication they gave me? What if I stood up to the Dr.'s?..........., then we get into the "I should have...." I should have spoke up for myself! I should have said no! I should have refused to take the medication!, I should have fought back! I Should have.......
My Questions & Should haves are not much different. What if I had made them listen? What if I had said no? What if I had refused to let them give her all the medications? What if I had stood up to the Dr. & not taken their word for every thing? What if I had trusted my instincts and weaned her off the medications when I wanted to?.....then we get into "I should have......" I should have made them listen! I should have said no! I should have refused to let them put her on the medications! I should have stood up to the Dr's better, I shouldn't have taken their word for everything, their human, they make mistakes too! I should have trusted myself & my instincts and taken her off the med's when I wanted two way back in the beginning! I should have aloud the Dr. to laugh in my face, I should have done something about it!
"What if's" & "Should haves" are great but they are living in the past & the past is written, the past can't be changed. We have a choice to make now to either let the past that can't be changed to control our future or we can press on & try to get passed the passed.
I think what makes it hard & this is something we are both fighting & struggling with is we are almost a 100% positive that everyone involved in the trauma are continuing on with their lives like nothing happened, without a thought of what they put us through & what they did, while we continue to live with what trauma has been left from what we experienced, especially my daughter who fears this will effect her future as it has already effected how she learns & thinks.
I feel this is worse than any past abuse I have experienced, because then when it was over it was over you could make the choice to not be around the situation & people again. How do you do that when it is a medical system that has left the trauma, I think it would have been different if it had been just one person in that system, but it was every person in that system, other then the first responders & a handful of nurses, that we came in contact with in that system. How do you escape needing that system or be able to trust another one because you once trusted this one? You get ill you need to rely on this system, you have an accident you need to rely on this system.....so on & so on.
I know on my own strength I can't get through this but I know when every thing falls apart God's arms will hold me together. The song that speaks to this is "Everything Falls by Fee".
I know when God's plans that are needed to be completed through this, what we need to grow from this & what he needs to use to grow others through this, God will deliver us. I know this because he has delivered me before & when I reflected back I saw this happen.
The Song "You are More by Tenth Avenue North" helps me to remember what the Gospel means & the Hope it gives me.
When everything falls apart in your life keep holding on to God. He will get you through, even if at the time it seems impossible.
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