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Saturday, January 22, 2011

Continuing to Reflect & Beginning to Look Forward.

God is continuing to show me where he was in the valley of the shadow of death & how he no matter how bad it got he gave me the strength to persevere.

When my daughter went through the prescription induced seizures she would witness us being murdered over & over again as she was living through drug induced focal seizures. She would be absent from knowing we were there and we would, in her mind, become the attackers as I tried to restrain her as she fought for her life & the life of her family.

I remember asking myself as I was restraining her how I could stay emotionally detached from what was happening. I also didn't understand how I could continue to restrain her through the bites, punches & bruises from past seizures as I was black & blue all over and filled with bight marks. I never once felt the pain from these even though it looked horrible. God is telling me the answer now. Jesus was there with me, I may not have seen him but he was standing in front of me between me & my daughter, he was sheltering me from the pain. He was giving me the strength to make it to the next moment. God is the one who aloud me not to waver from believing in my daughter when everyone was telling me that she is probably playing it up for the attention. I knew all along that this wasn't her I knew it had something to do with the medication, this was on my heart the whole time and I know now that this was God's gift to me. God had placed this on my heart to keep me going.

God had also placed on my heart the knowledge deep with in me that I was not alone & that he had a purpose, I may not have know it but I would when the time was in his time.

My daughter since being weaned off the medication has still managed to Graduate & has started University. She is back to her old self & has been free of the seizures since the medication was removed over a year ago. She still needs everyones prayers as she still reals with the trauma she experienced in that year & struggles being able to forgive those involved & fears that she will be judged for it even though it wasn't her fault..

God used that year to shape me to who I am now. I can't explain it to those I know, but I have totally died to who I was and God has moved residence from my thoughts, my mind & has moved into my heart. The song by Jason Grey " More Like Falling in Love" explains it the most. I have fallen in Love with my Saviour. I trust him with every aspect of my life. I don't fear anymore if my bill's will be paid, I don't worry anymore if our needs are going to be met. I don't worry if my paycheck isn't the full pay check because money is no longer a worry, because I know if I do my best & stay focused on Christ he will take care of me because he loves me & he knows what I need. I know that in this life I have nothing to fear because God brought me through the valley of the shadow of death and he will not forsake me.

I have a desire in my heart to follow my Saviour where ever he leads me. God has put Kenya on my heart and today he has put a desire to become a den mother to an orphanage. I do not know how God will do this or when he will do this but I know it is for me to be still, to be in his word, to listen & to be willing to move when he asks me too.

As I leave you we just received a call, Nobody had been able to get a hold of my Dad so my Mom finally contacted the Police from his town. They just called us to tell us he is in hospital with a Subdural hematoma & it doesn't look good. Please Pray for him, as through God all things are possible.

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