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Saturday, January 8, 2011

Don't believe in Coincidences/Not feeling why people react the way they do..

I don't believe in coincidence. I had phoned victims services yesterday to talk to the lady I had talked to when my son was assaulted at school, she had told me that she may be able to help us with what my daughter went through. She was not in yesterday, but was in today, so I called her at first coffee today. I had spoke with my boss in the morning about making the call because I was sure it would take longer than my coffee break and she said no problem. God so blessed me with where I work & the people I work with.

I looked for a quiet private place to talk to the lady from victim services. I found myself in the storage room under the stairs. I was able to connect with her & everything just started poring out. I felt like I was talking to an old friend I knew for years, I met Jesus in that call, I heard his loving, compassion & kindness. I heard his tears as I told all that I was facing in my heart & shared the pain that was tearing a hole in my heart. I received an open heart willing to share in my pain as I heard the voice crack on the other end of the phone. God had brought us together, I say this because I don't believe in coincidences. I heard her share that she could understand my pain as she had experienced the pain I was feeling as she in the passed almost lost her daughter do to miss diagnoses & was terrified at the time to let them near her daughter for fear of them causing more harm & possibly death. She told me it took time to be able to get passed it to the point of being able to move on, though not forgetting.

We had spoke for a while & I had shared some of the traumas of my past & how they were easier to walk away from but this I could not escape. She asked me if I had dealt with the past & I told her not until we went through the Trauma with my daughter & started to see the counselor. The counselor had helped me break free of the past through prayer. I had told her how it was like the weight of a wall crashing down from in front of me, even though I have some smaller walls to contend with, it was very freeing. I know from my past that by not dealing with the traumas in my life I started spiraling down into self punishment. I started to abuse myself because I didn't feel worthy of anything else. I was shrouded in shame & the more I self punished the deeper the shame grew. I felt to blame for all that had happened to me it wasn't until I started to talk to the counselor & started to submerge myself in the Church that I found out that what I knew was wrong with what I was thinking, I thought it was true. I was finding out that my truth was not real.

I truly know that God had brought us together because what were the chances of us meeting, especially the way we met through my son being assaulted something totally unrelated to what would end up being a connection we had of an experience with our daughters. She has offered an ear to listen when ever we can connect, whether it her be calling me or me calling her. God brought us together.

After talking with her & realizing that when I explain my life experiences & what I am facing now people sit back in stunned expression to what is my life, at least those who I have shared with on a much deeper level. I don't see myself any different than anyone else, we all face the trials this world has to bring. I know that I have Jesus to get me through and I am positive this is how I make it.

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