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Monday, January 24, 2011

A Heart Torn...

Today was a challenging day as I went to work, my heart was torn. I went to work as I couldn't stop getting my Mom's voice out of my head  " I worked far to long to get where I am now to loose everything, you have to go to work or we will loose our house!!" my heart did not agree. I also heard my employers voice in my head saying "We have lots we have to get ready for the RV show next week!!" I heard my daughters voice saying that " I miss the time we had together when I was sick, I feel like you have left me!!", I Heard "The Police have found your Dad, he is in the hospital with a Subdural Hematona ( bleeding in the brain)!" I heard my daughter cry "Mom I can't take it anymore, I keep on getting close to people and they keep getting taken away, I can't do this anymore!!" "Mom I'm remembering all the horrific things I could not remember before about the seizures & everything I did" I hear the "silence" of my son as due to his Autism he can't express how he is feeling but you know it is effecting him as the frustration he is experiencing gets higher. My thoughts go back to loosing my Grandma & knowing my sister is dieing. I started to feel like I was this empty shell that the only thing that was holding me up was God. I felt the anger swelling inside me as I started to resent not being able to be with my family & knowing the people I work with I care about & I was letting them down & I was so scared I would uncontrollably erupt on someone I cared about because I couldn't contain myself no longer, I was burnt out, I am burnt out physically & emotionally.

My heart wanted to be with my family, I wanted to wrap my arms around them and say its going to be ok, but then I was faced with how can I tell them this one more time. I have spent the last two years telling them it is going to be ok we will get through it, but every time we thought it was going to be ok the bottom fell out & we would start over again.

I know God did not say it was going to be easy in this world we will suffer for a while, but he does tell us that this war has already been one as he holds the keys to death & Hades.

I can't expect my kids to not feel the pain, because my heart breaks, I'm an adult & I am finding it hard to proccess all this suffering how can I expect them to. The Pain is real, the pain is horrific & accepting that there is nothing you can do of your own strength and loosing that sense of control is horrific. Allowing yourself to lean on God means giving up that control and as people go, we tend to like to have some sense of control over our lives. I know I need to continue to daily give up that control & trust God with what we are going through & pray God takes the pain away & finds some way to find balance in my life so I can support my family in every way I need to. I am tired now & I still have to pick up my baby girl from university tonight & then get up in the morning to face another day...Night....

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