Yesterday we had gathered together to receive updates on the family of a co-worker who suddenly & tragically past away after a car accident, there was also time to share memories of times with our co-worker & a chance to pray for the family.
I was able to hold back the tears & thought I was fine until I started walking from one building to the other after the meeting. I was walking when this overwhelming feeling of sorrow came over me. I couldn't hold back the tears. I found myself thinking if I could only make it through the office, through the shop to the bathroom in the middle I might be able to collect myself so I can make it through to the end of the day. I couldn't hold it back the more I tried the harder it got & the louder I ended up balling my eyes out. All I could here was God telling me this is part of the healing. I realized at that moment that I was unable to let others see my emotions, I had build such a high wall of protection around me, that I was unable to allow myself to be vulnerable and all I could here is this is part of the healing.
I ended up telling my boss I had to leave as I had turned into a babbling brook, she told me to take time to collect myself before I drove home. I sat in the van for a bit & realized I had an overwhelming need to go to Church, I called the Women's Pastor at the Church & she was able to see me right away, so off I went.
All I could here God telling me this is part of the Healing. I had realized that I was still healing from the trauma we had experienced in 2009 & the death of our co-worker was the final straw that popped the cork of the pain I had hidden away in my heart. I was able to talk to the Women's Pastor about all the grief I was experiencing, the grief from the trauma of 2009, the grief from the loss of a co- worker. How I had found myself stuck. I had made a conscious decision to forgive those who hurt my daughter, my family & me, but I realize after talking to the Women's Pastor that I haven't been able to emotionally forgive them. After we talked, I realized that I was grieving not being able to get justice for my daughter & my family. I was also grieving the fact I was unable to protect my daughter & my family. I know it will take time and I know God will heal & deliver us in his perfect time.
God has also revealed to me because of this wall I had formed around my life to keep me safe has actually hurting myself more than not having it. You see by having this wall I haven't allowed anyone truly into my life, I haven't aloud anyone to get to know me. I have isolated myself from the body of Christ, my friends, family & coworkers & the support that everyone needs to get through the tough times & to celebrate the good times.
I received a taste of what I was missing when we went through the trauma as I found myself hiding from the pain by running to the Church, by volunteering, bible studies. God drew me to the Church to show me what fellowship was & the unconditional love through that fellowship and I reflect back now and also see that he was showing me that it was ok to become vulnerable, that I would not be judged. During that time God encouraged me to email my testimony to some of my Church family & as I did that I could feel the freeing effect it had on me as I didn't have to where the mask around them anymore & that mask can be so heavy.
I'm realizing as I type this could God be asking me to take the next step of faith & trust him and allow myself to become vulnerable with those I know outside the Church because He will not let me fall, but he will deliver me from the chains that still hold onto me, so I can become completely free in Jesus Christ.
I know now that I have to face what I need to face & feel what I need to feel so God can heal me in his mighty way. I thank God for his Grace & Mercy
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