Under Attack & the Past meeting the Present

I guess I am on the right track as I feel I am under attack. I didn't clue into it in the beginning but I am starting to put the pieces together now. I am finding that when I am reading my Bible my eyes become so heavy that they are impossible to keep open no matter what time of the day it is. I have gone to Church & a Pastorate to have the same problem of my eyes getting heavy. Once I walk away from my bible I am fine.  I am realizing that now God has calmed down my busy schedule and have had time to rest in the Lord our God that the enemy is trying new tactics one being unexplained sleepiness, the other bringing up old stuff. Through the old stuff I am learning what I am needing is God's help getting through & his deliverance. 

I was surprised by my own reaction yesterday when a Gentleman put his hand on the middle of my shoulder blades as we talked, I know it was a friendly sign of care while we talked, but the past came back to my soul in a flash. I tensed up in fear a very unwarranted feeling but it reminded me how much of a grip my past had on me and how much I need my Heavenly Father to cont. to work on healing my heart, mind & giving me cont. deliverance from my past.

I went through a very abusive relationship when I lived with a man. I sometimes here people say why do these women stay in these abusive relationships why don't they just leave. I can tell you from my experience there are stages in abuse. The 1st stage I call the romancing stage where they make you feel like you are on top of the world and how could anyone love you more. Stage 2 is where they start to isolate you from the ones you love by telling them & you lies that create a rift between you and them that leads to separation & isolation. The abuser will reassure you that they will always love you and you can depend on them.  Stage 3 is where they work on breaking your self esteem so that you don't feel you are worth anything apart from them & no one else would love you look even your family left you, this is where the emotional abuse comes in. Stage 4 is where they have already turned everyone against you including yourself and this is where the physical abuse starts and guilt that you did something to deserve it and they apologizes after with the excuse it was because you did this but they will be baring gifts and the cycle begins. 

I was blessed by God to open my eyes. My live in boyfriend had told me if I ever started smoking he would leave me and in my warped sense of thinking, I thought this was my chance to get out so I started smoking, this was just before it got physical, my boyfriend caught me smoking and instead of leaving me I got the backside of his hand up the side of my face, made for a nasty bruise. I thought of my father in that instance & how my mom had gone through the cycle before me & at this point God gave me the strength to leave even though back then I didn't realize that when I had abandoned God that he had not abandoned me. 

"Because of the oppression of the weak 
       and the groaning of the needy, 
       I will now arise," says the LORD. 
       "I will protect them from those who malign them." Psalm 12:5

May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
       may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. Psalm 20:1

You are my hiding place;
       you will protect me from trouble
       and surround me with songs of deliverance.
       Selah

 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
       I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:7,8