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Monday, March 26, 2012

A Week Past and a Last Week 03/18/12-03/24/12

Wow this last week just flew by. I have to say it has been an interesting one. I have to say this has been the hardest entry to write as life kept interrupting. I started on Friday, I now finish here Monday morning, with all the stopping and starting I hope I didn't leave stuff out.

Sunday my son and I were blessed by my dear friend and her husband giving us a ride to church. My dear friend and her husband sat with us. I have to say that the Sunday service was not a comfortable one. We started by singing worship songs, but through us I could feel a heavy darkness come in. Before the sermon, we would be asked as a congregation to participate in a drama about Mark 15:1-15. We were asked when it was time to scream out " Crucify Him!" We were told our will would tell us not to but to fight past it and yell it out. I couldn't as I could feel the heaviness and darkness that was in the worship center get stronger. How could I deny Jesus after all that he has done in the presence of darkness, there was no way I was going to follow what was being asked and what the crowd would do. After the drama was done we sang some more worship songs and I could feel the weight lifting and the peace of the light returning. Sermon: The King Rejected by Northview Community Church

Sunday night was a night of broken sleep but not one like I had ever had before as I woke up reciting Psalm 23.

Monday, thankfully, went by very fast at work. I am so glad as the pressure, headache and nausea from the concussion I am still fighting with and no sleep on top of it wasn't helping my day

Monday at work went fast, but the night made up for it as my sleep again was broken as again I was awoken in the night with Psalm 23 in my head again.

Tuesday morning I awoke with the word "Sanctify" screaming in my head. I honestly don't know what was up with that. A Facebook friend had given me John 17:17, I had to read further to find the context of what was being said so I read John 17 repeatedly through out the day. I had never known that Jesus had prayed for believers. I found the prayer in John 17:20-25.

I had a group meeting Tuesday night, it was much smaller than usual, possibly because of spring break. We discussed the sermon on Sunday. We at the end talked about a simulcast our church would be presenting on Good Friday it will be about 6 hrs long. We were asked if anyone was interested in going. I nodded yes, but I couldn't go as I couldn't afford it, the reason why I don't participate in anything at the church, not because I don't want to I just don't have the money to pay the fees.  I have to say I found myself getting upset as the conversation I was hearing was turning into mocking of how long it would be and then it was add on if you wanted you could go from the Stations of the Cross straight there and spend your whole day at the church. I could only think of the sacrifice Jesus had made on the cross and how he was mocked as he endured much to save us from our sin. What really 6 hrs. in perspective is it really a sacrifice?? My heart was breaking listening to what was being said. I couldn't believe my ears, am I strange? I don't understand! I don't fit in as I just don't think the same way. I think this is why I always feel like an outcast in this world. I had walked to the group and wanted to walk home so I had time to process things with God in the peace of the walk but there is a dear lady there that was greatly concerned about me walking home, bless her heart. She was unable to drive me home but was insistent that I received a ride home and I couldn't say no.

Wednesday was another fast day at work. I was blessed with finding in an older unit an arrow(as in bow and arrow), you are probably asking how can an arrow be a blessing? My daughter will soon be moving far away, actually a week today she gets on the plain, and one of her most favorite activities is archery. She had gotten hooked up at the camp she has spent volunteering at for the last several years. She even has been asked to go up and teach a group of adults for the weekend.  I brought it home for her and made her close her eyes and when she opened them she was ecstatic.

Thursday was definitely an interesting day at work, I was cleaning out another trade in unit when I found a little plastic cylinder with a cap on it and on the side it read "Hemp" and it had about four seeds in it, it became the talk of work that day.  I reported it to my boss and let her deal with it. I got home Thursday that I would be having a Telus Rep coming by to try to sell me his cable and internet and he would be coming back at around 6pm and I reminded everyone that this was cool as we were also expecting a phone call from the financial adviser about how we could make a budget that balances that night as well. Well the Telus Rep. showed up at 5:30pm right in the middle of dinner, so I sent him away and told him we were expecting a call at around the time he was suppose to come so he said he would be back at 7pm. Here I walk in the house and think I have everything worked out when my mom pipes up the lady is calling at around 7pm, oh no!
Well the Telus Rep. came back at 7pm and shortly after I sat outside with him the phone rang it was the call we had been waiting on so I had to tell the Telus Rep. I had to go. He was persistent as he said he would come back at 8pm, I didn't want to shoe him off as I was curious if this would be a way of saving money and help improve our budget situation.

We talked with the lady about our budget and how we could try to make it balance with what we had for a family of 4. We couldn't touch all the fixed things you have to pay, such as mortgage and utilities. Our only touchable variable expenses were Transportation, Food and Prescriptions, as we had already known we had no money for Entertainment or Clothes. We had allotted a very tight budget of $275.00  a month for gas to get to work, as the gas prices rise and $400.00 for groceries, equaling a $1.08 per meal per person, I'm thinking that might of been an unrealistic amount but even with the budget amounts at that we were still coming out -$14.41. I have to say way better than what the bank had us budgeted at -$500.00. We are living without a safety net with no way of putting out fires that come such as the house repairs and vehicle repairs. We have no way of saving for a rainy day. I am know we are not alone in this venture, there are tuns of people out there facing this reality or even worse.

We finished off our conversation with a prayer, the lady said we could join in at any time. I have to say this was quite awkward, as my mom sat in the room next to me on another phone. I had never been faced with praying out loud with my mom before, I had done it many times in the past with other people, but this was my mom. My mom I have never heard say a prayer except at grace and I was feeling kind of intimidated by the idea of praying out loud in front of her. The Lady prayed and kept praying and then finally there was a moment I could add in and I fought past the awkwardness and opened my mouth and proceeded to trip over my tongue with nerves. I flubbed it, then there was a prolonged silence that was defining. Mom left the call and I talked with the lady a bit about a little bit of our back ground. I told her I would email her a bit of our journey, the turning point that happened in 2009

Friday was the usual busy get everything that needs to be done for the weekend kind of day at work and the day just flew by, I was still feeling the pressure on my head and my head was pounding all day, the nausea would spike with curtain things I did while working. I called mom on one of my breaks and she asked if I wanted her to make me a follow up Doctors appointment. I agreed and she made it for the end of the day on Monday. I was blessed later on in the day with being able to share with a dear lady at work, the relationship I now have with God as I walk with him. God had been opening up lines of communication to share what he has been doing and every time I am given the opportunity as I speak of Him I am filled with Joy . I was able to share with her a printed copy of the testimony of 2009. I am so walking with God right now watching him at work through my life in a way I would have never have imagined.

Saturday I started off the day by receiving an email from my friend and in that email she asked if they could give us a ride to church, what a blessing!!  I continued on my day knowing I wouldn't have to ask a ride to church. I knew at some point I would probably have to go out that day as I would have no choice. Mom had contacted the gentleman that had done our taxes in the past couple of years and he said he could help but we would have to put our name in the book for appointments  and that meant we would have to go over there, which meant driving and using up precious gas to get to work. We bundled in the kids needing to deposit their meager paychecks from delivering newspapers into their bank accounts. Just before we left my mom checked her bank account, thinking there was maybe a $1.70 and hoping to get a bowl of soup at Tim Horton's. She was looking at it in bewilderment and confusion so I looked at it and it said -$168. and something. I could feel the anger building inside at the situation as she had said nothing to me earlier. I asked nicely what happened. She said it was because of when they took it out, I started getting mad. I said that wasn't an excuse that it just means we had to plan for it. Then she proceeded to say she really didn't know what day any day was anymore....we started arguing over bills one more time. We went and quickly did what we needed to do and came home. While on the way home my mom started spieling off how the carport needed tidied, I had already tidied it. She said but the producer had messed it all up to make it look good for the camera. I said no I had already cleaned it twice since then.....the worse part is this is how this conversation has played out a few times, like it never had before. I told her infront of my kids that I had thrown up my hands because I spend all my time tidying up the basement and garage to spend my weekends having to fix it again and again and I wasn't waisting my energy because there really was no point. I think I have lost the connection to this house as I have lost the passion to do anything for it.

My thoughts are consumed with God and walking a path where I can share what he has done in my life. I read scripture and this is what I hear," Come follow me, leave all that you have and come take up your cross." I hear this every time I read scripture and again today as scripture is brought to me the message is clear as I read Philippians 1:20 all my heart wants to do is make this verse my own prayer. I only have one question is why with my heart and so wanting to do what God is calling me to do why are my feet stuck and won't move?

Father thank you for all that you are doing to transform my life into something I couldn't even of imagined, continually freeing me in areas that the chains still want to hold me down. I pray father that one day soon in your perfect timing you will allow me to serve you with all of me. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.  I eagerly expect one day I will be able to follow in the way that you ask me to by leaving all that I have to be soulfully dependent on you as through me you shine your light. Father thank you for allowing me to walk with you and witness you at work in my life and those around me. In Jesus Name Amen.

P.S. I did leave something out, my baby girl moves away this coming Saturday, so this is our last week with her here, please pray for her as she tries to shine the light of her faith, where there is possibly no light.

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