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Sunday, March 11, 2012

Blessed and Overwhelmed

I am feeling overwhelmed by what life is throwing my way, don't get me wrong we have had some blessings as well.

I have been struggling with getting my son who has High Functioning Autism/ADHD transitioned over to life after  High School. High School I could just communicate with everyone in his team at school and at home via email, occasional phone call or meeting, those days are over. I'm finding this is not the case in University, I am faced with setting up everything a new. We no no one and this is a whole new system to navigate through and one that you are pointed in the right direction but all the stuff that needs done I need to do. My list of paperwork and phone calls to return were just keeping on growing with no end in sight. Making matters worse, I only could communicate with the people I need to during the same hours I work. I can say the pressure was mounting and in usual form I didn't know where to start and if it was even possible for me to get all I needed done. I was feeling very alone in this venture as the only one I could see could deal with this was me. My son's CLBC worker was relentlessness in her pursuit to get me to apply for the Person with Disabilities form for my son, a form I was reluctant to fill out as me concern of it being a crutch that would stop my son from following his dreams as the funding is attached to welfare services and I felt would not allow him to attend university and complicate him getting work. I guess I also have prejudgments on how it effects ones self-esteem as when my husband left, my children's father, I felt beaten down by the system as I was treated like a lower classed person not worth anything. I finally said to my son, "You know what you are an adult now and you need to be involved in your future. I can not call your worker and you are going to need to call her. I feel this will give you an opportunity to ask questions on how it will impact your future and whether it will effect your schooling or not. You are the one that has to live with what ever is decided so you need to be involved. She can help you with the form if you decide to apply " My son phoned her and after getting past her talking as if in the third person, as she kept referring to my son's name as if he was calling on behalf of him, he decided he wanted to apply as it wouldn't effect his schooling. I asked if she was going to help him fill out the paperwork? My son said no I would rather you helped me...ugg.

I was praying that some how all of this stuff would get straightened around because I just didn't have it in me to get it all done. I spoke with my counselor and one of the pastors at the church and said I really needed some one who could step in and be the squeaky wheel for my son to get everything that needed done to get him back on track. I have to say about a week later, I called home on my coffee break to find out that all my son's schooling had been miraculously straightened out, Thank you God!!!! I was also told that a summer camp my son had apply too had accepted him as support staff for the summer. What an answer to prayer as this would give him his first opportunity to be independent, himself free of us girls in a safe environment.
I have to say my week was flying a mile high after that weight was taken off my shoulder.

I have to say though after that I had prayed for a friend who was feeling under battle of spiritual warfare. I can say after praying I was now feeling the weight of attack. I think I have determined the meter for walking on the right track, if we are not a threat to Satin there is no need for him to come after us but if we are lifting praises and testify to how great our God is and share what he is doing in our lives so those around us can share in what we are witnessing we are so a threat to Satin and he will attack to suppress those from hearing the Good News . I have to say that I have been feeling the suffering lately. I have been fighting the physical and emotional pain.

 My physical pain is my spine, hip, knees and fingers have been feeling like they have something sharp piercing them, as my Arthritis is agitated. I was standing in my room speaking with my daughter when she found herself having to catch me as I lost all the power in my right side to stand, this is nothing new but I usually can rescue myself without anyone noticing through the pain. I had to see my doctor for other reasons when I mentioned my daughter having to catch me. I had mentioned that when I was little my hip was broken in a freak accident, I was laying at the top of the stairs waiting on my grandparents coming over when my brother heard them coming and ran to meet them tripping over me shattering my hip as he proceeded to go flying down the stairs, he was not injured. I was a preschooler at the time. I was asked by the Doctor if I had ever had an x-ray to see if it had healed properly since? I said I didn't know so he sent me for one and I have now been called back to see him tomorrow.  I also woke up, after seeing the doctor, last weekend with a lump forming in the center of my chest and as the week has gone on it has gotten larger and I can feel the pressure it is causing and the nausea it is causing and it just doesn't feel good. I am praying that this is only the physical manifestation of spiritual warfare I have experienced in the passed.

I also have been fighting the emotional pain as the challenges keep flowing against us. I had met with one of the Pastors at the church and he is looking into how they can support my family in this challenging time. When I met him I had great peace given to me before meeting, my sense of God being in control even though everything was falling apart was strong. I find myself fighting the lies as my flesh & heart fails me, but God strengthens my heart to continue. We went to pick up our yearly taxes, when we received the news that the person who was volunteering for low income people to do their taxes had made a really big mistake. He couldn't figure out my daughters and mucked up my income tax but had filed my son's but had not filed it as disabled. You might say should be an easy fix, me thinking not so much as it was allot of work to get him his disability recognized and entered in the first place and this will effect any thing we apply for in regards to his services and will take time, allot of paperwork and phone calls to straighten out this mess and I am already feeling stretched past my limits. I can officially say there is not enough of me to go around. I was also faced with the fact because of that mistake he made he has refused to do our taxes. He also brought to reality that my tax return that use to cover our property taxes every year will no longer be enough to cover them anymore, so unless God preforms a miracle the inevitable will have to be faced and what we have been barely making it will come to an end as we will loose our home. I asked on my Facebook page today would it be being to bold to ask God to preform a miracle and make our mortgage payment disappear to never return, miraculously be paid out, because that is the only way I can see us being able to get through this. I know that is such a crazy thought, but you can't blame a girl for trying, can you? I have learned one thing from all this, that just like person High Functioning Autism are hard to recognize unless you live with them, so is poverty. You could look at the person next to you and you would never know where their at by just looking at them, unless they wore it on their sleeve.

My family were talking at the table tonight, after my son and I's attempt to walk to church this morning in the poring rain that epicly failed as cars drove by and sprayed us. I had mentioned wouldn't it be funny if some of those cars that hurried by us were actually going the same place we were headed. My mom said nobody thinks that someone they knew would be walking because nobody walks anymore. I said it is so sad that we as a community and a society have become so desensitized to the poverty around us. My Daughter said it's like going on a missions trip, doing your service to the poor and then coming home and going about your life until the next opportunity to serve, we forget that when we come home there are people around us that live in poverty. I have to say I use to live in the world of desensitized as I never gave a second thought to it until God opened my eyes and has shown me the walk and the pain that comes with it, the isolation it grows as you can't join into things that those around you do because you have to account for every penny you have or you might not make it, one wrong choice and your in more trouble then you already are. When you are in poverty there is no room to breath. God is the only breath that keeps me going as he breathes life back into me where I see broken pieces.

I can tell you about one of those wrong decisions. I had a gift Certificate to get my haircut, I had been struggling at it getting in my eyes at work, so I needed it cut. I knew in the back of my heart if I drove to the hairdressers I most likely wouldn't have enough gas to get to work for the next week. I went to get my haircut . I should have trusted my instincts as now I worry if there will be enough gas to make it the rest of the week. We also made another choice to spend the money we were blessed with to by groceries as we had run out of food at the end of last month and now my children and us will not go hungry but we didn't save any for a rainy moment, like gas. I say it is like walking a tight rope when you live in poverty, lean to far one way or the other and you might fall off. I find though as long as my focus stays on Jesus I have a much easier time walking the rope.

Thank you Father for being my rock and my stronghold, my shelter from the storms. I come to you boldly like a child wanting something saying please, please if there is anyway of taking this pain from me, but in all things be your will done. In Jesus Name Amen.

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