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Saturday, February 18, 2012

It has been a while.....

  I haven't been finding the motivation to write for a while but tonight I feel the need.

Last Wednesday,  the 8 th of February, I sat waiting for the call from the Chief of Medicine for the Emergency Department of the hospital that was involved in my daughters care in 2009. I sat there not knowing how well I would be able to restrain my emotions well speaking with him. I had just worked 2days short of three weeks with one day off and 23 hrs overtime in the middle of it as we did the Early Bird RV Show. I was thinking of all the times to get the call, when I am exhausted.

He called right at the arranged time 7pm. We spoke back and forth for a bit and for the first time I heard a sincere voice on the other end apologizing for what we were put through. He also said that the evidence and the timeline strongly support the medication, that no one would wean my daughter off of, for being the cause of what my daughter and us went through. I felt a release from some of the anger that wouldn't let go in that moment as finally three years after the fact someone at the hospital finally acknowledged what we had been put through and why it happened and apologized.

I have to say that was a bitter sweet moment as the acknowledgement was big but the consequences to my family are still being played out as we struggle to survive. During the 8 months and the over 60 calls into 911 I lost allot of income and we had to take a second mortgage out on our home to survive and then when my body finally crashed and I lost my full time job for 7 months do to the PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) the bank held our mortgage payment and gave us the money to put a new roof on the house and now we have started a repayment loan/third mortgage, but this one without a penalty attached.

I remember a few years back laughing as the news broadcast the difficulties single parents face to catch up if they miss a day or two of work, as I knew this all to well, now I am faced with trying to recover from all the work and income I lost in that 15 months. I received a paycheck 2 weeks ago short two days because I had gotten the stomach flu that had gone through work. We were faced with a choice between groceries or gas to get me to work till the next payday. We chose gas as we still had some food in the cupboards that we would have to make stretch and we would have to ration the juice and milk, because if I couldn't make it to work we would be worse off. We only had to make it to the next payday and that paycheck should be ok because I would have over 14 hrs overtime on it, at least so I thought.

Last Sunday, I found myself in a place where my pride was being chipped away as my daughter gave me the money from her paper root to put gas in the van so I wouldn't run out. My son lent me his $20. gift card to Walmart so we could get some milk and groceries, that we walked to get so we didn't use the precious bit of gas we had left to get me to work. I felt so humbled and ashamed that I couldn't support my families needs.

Today, I received my paycheck with my overtime on it. I paid the mortgages, loan and mortgage insurance with the money I had received and soon came to the reality that once again I had to make a choice, gas to get to work or groceries. I was suppose to get my haircut tomorrow but I asked my Mom to cancel it as I may have a gift certificate for the haircut, but we can't afford the gas to get me there.

Many people have wondered why I don't get out and do things or volunteer, its not because I don't want to but I have to way in whether I can afford the gas or any other expense that will come up because of it. I don't have it to do it. We have now gone into survival mode, if it isn't essential to housing/food/work it doesn't happen unless it is free and our feet can get us there.

I think I was mistaken when I said God was now working on the frame to who I am I think he is still clearing the site of all that is not of him as I learn more areas of my life where I try to do it on my own.

My life right now is still a mess and the only way out is a miracle from God as my income is less than what is going out every month and I have weighed all our options and finding there is no way out.

Father I know I keep giving into worry, fear, pride and shame. I know you are working to heal these sores in my life so that I can feel the freedom you have already given us all when you paid the price for our sins on the cross. Father please renew your strength and perseverance in my life on a daily basis. Please fill me with your Holy Spirit daily. Hold me when the pain tries to tare me apart. In Jesus Christ Name Amen.

Safe by Natalie Grant

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