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Saturday, January 12, 2013

Learning to Listen

Hi everyone I know it has been a while since I have spent dedicated time writing here. When we moved into our new place I had made a commitment to work on my relationships with my family and start putting them above my time spent on the computer.

Before we moved, I had found myself escaping the stress from what we were facing by hiding in my room away from my family using the excuse of talking with others over the internet, but in reality I was burnt out and could not face another demand on my life, another chore, another request for something, another need to feel something and the easiest way was to escape onto the internet where I thought I could hide from life. My family was suffering for it, as our relationships were being torn farther and farther apart and what I was trying to avoid would call even louder, with my need to escape growing.

I had become addicted to escaping lives demands. My vice was not alcohol or drugs,  cutting or eating disorder, but it had just as much impact on my family, as my vice was the internet/Facebook, and the self gratification of being lifted up by those I would speak too, feeling like I had some kind of control in life by being able to help others, as I ran from my own pain, to receive that feeling you get inside that makes you feel warm and fuzzy knowing you could help, it made me feel good, like alcohol to a alcoholic, drugs to a drug addict, cutting to a cutter, purging to a bulimic.I felt excepted without being asked to visit the memories and the pain. Like any other addict it dulled the pain.

I realized how bad it had gotten when we moved. God had a plan, the movers moved my computer instead of me and I could not find my computer. I had found myself on withdrawal from my computer, God had opened my eyes to my vice, my addiction that was taring up my family and my relationships.

I asked God to help me to put my relationship with him, my family, friends and those around me in the real world. God gave me the strength to realize that if I didn't go on Fb every waking non-working moment the world would not end. He made me realize I wasn't in control of the worlds problems  and did not need to be there to fix them and in that make me feel better. I needed to listen to him I needed to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and through that all things would be healed. God would restore and deliver my family from the damage that had been done.

I'm finding that I need to come to my Father every morning and ask him to fill me with the Holy Spirit and ask the Holy Spirit to take charge of my thoughts my words and my actions and my will. I have to say God has been and the Joy that fills my heart way surpasses anything the internet or this world could give me. I have been spending more time building relationships with those I love and spending less time on the computer. I try to make sure that the only time I spend on here is when my family are sleeping, like right now or they are busy in their own stuff and are not available to spend time together.

This last week at my Church was prayer week, a week where the Church comes together for corporate prayer and takes place the first full week of the new year. I had committed to God, after 2009, that I would not miss one day of prayer week and so far I have kept that commitment.

When I first started going I was so intimidated by the whole thing, as I was raised that prayer was a very private thing you did behind closed doors.

When I went to my first prayer week I did my best to just observe and only speak when I couldn't get out of it, as I had only prayed out loud once before and that was out in the back parking lot of the Church when my child was under spiritual attack and I had no other choice and I was surrounded by the youth pastor one of the elders and a prayer warrior and they encouraged me that I could do this. I was put on the spot to pray at this prayer meeting in a small group with Pastor Ezra, who I really didn't know, as we prayed for the missionaries. I have to say I had this very large not in my stomach and lump in my throat as I tried to pray and not very well.

When I went to my second prayer week last year, I was still quite nervous and self conscious, but I was able to pray with others a little bit easier than the previous year.

I have to say this year was allot different as in 2012 God had delivered me from the fear and shame I had been carrying around like a suite case for so many years. When it came to pray this year, as we started with the prayer for the Holy Spirit to fill us and to lead our prayer, I had no reservations, I had no self doubt and I have to say God surprised me with how far he has brought me in this last year. I was finding myself being lead to pray with and for strangers and as the prayers left my lips I knew they were being formed by the Holy Spirit as the words flowed out filled with God's truths, giving me the confidence to pray more. I had always wondered how these people could pray with such spirituality in their prayers and I think I know how now as I think there words are formed by the Holy Spirit and through the Faith God has grown in them they are able to stop speaking their prayers and start listening to the prayers of the Holy Spirit and speak through the Holy Spirit.

I am finding out as I continue to walk with Jesus that is so much less about what I say but more about listening to what God has to say and just surrendering to his will and walking and speaking when he guides us too.

My personal prayer for 2013:

Father I thank you for all that you have done to transform my life. I thank you for the refining fire that you took me through in 2009 ( 1Peter 1:6-7) Thank you Father for revealing yourself to me through the refining fire. Most importantly thank you for the death and resurrection of your one and only son Jesus Christ who carried my sins as he carried the cross and paid the price of my debt. Thank you for saving a wretch like me, who has not deserved all that you have done for me but out of your love for me you have redeemed me.

Father I ask this year that you consume every nook and cranny of my life and if there are doors that I am not aware of that are locked in my life please break down the doors. My only desire Father is to be close to you and for your will to reign in my life. I live for Christ and to die is gain. In Jesus precious name through the Holy Spirit Amen.

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