I have to say I have been struggling for a bit with exhaustion, with eyes that are very heavy and all they want to do is shut. I don't know if it is just subcutaneously knowing that I have an appointment on Friday Electrocardiogram, but I this last few weeks have been experiencing flutters in my heart. I was a bad girl because I was suppose to go for my annual check up for the hole in my heart back in December and now it is May.
I know this overwhelming need for sleep is not helping with fighting the pity party that is going on in my head right now. I have to say I hate this feeling as it is like fighting a war of lies.
My life is finally at a place of peace and this last few days I have been able to share parts of my testimony with coworkers and strangers, of how God is so good and won't leave us when we walk through really bad stuff. God is the strength that gets us through anything. He loved us so much that he gave the life of his only Son to save us, why would he not care for us and help us through.
I received the news yesterday that my daily responsibilities at my job would be changing as of next week and on the hearing of this my old self took over questioning why?Did I do something wrong? I know why but my brain started asking all the negative questions. You see this would mean I would be not be doing as in-depth job as I am use to doing and have to say like doing, the older, the dirtier the better. I will be doing an 1/8 of the job, basically fast food style. I will get to be outside more and that is a bonus. My brain though automatically went to what did I do wrong, did I pick someone off. I started evaluating every interaction and every conversation I had at work and like a bad weed the negative thoughts grew. I started thinking of what had been talking about with my mom that I was fighting the need to be more intellectually challenged and the feeling now that I would be doing something that required auto pilot.
Well tonight they grew from there into the rest of my life and mind as the feeling of being trapped and imprisoned with no way out creeped into my mind. I would never get a passport, because I would never be able to afford one. I would never get to Guatemala next year with my Pastorate. I would never get to Kenya. I would be trapped getting up every Mon.-Fri at 6am, leave for work at 7:20am, get to work 7:45am, start work at 8 am, work till 4:30pm, Arrive back at home for 5pm eat dinner, watch my mom's tv shows with her or go on the computer go to sleep, repeat 5 times. Weekend comes Run Mom everywhere on Sat. since she is trapped at home the rest of the week, do house and yard work. Sunday go to church come home and work some more until time to start the week all over again. I was faced with feeling helpless to move or do anything beyond what I am already doing.
As I type this, God speaks a verse into my head "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " Jeremiah 29:11
Thank you God for reminding me of your promise!!
I have been fighting to not attend the pity party being held in my honour of me, I stand on the thresh hold with one foot in and one foot out and I can say thank you God for pulling me out of the party, because I normally can do it by baking but wasn't working tonight.
Father, Thank you for your promises!! I cling to them, they are my hope through your son Jesus Christ. I ask for your wisdom, please help me discern what your will is for my life and what you want me to do. I renounce, confess and reject these thoughts of insecurity that bind me. Please Help me to silence the lies that enter my head, allow only your truths to take up space in my mind. In Jesus Precious Name Amen.